Short Break #10: Wait And See
Welcome back to another short break.
I’m blocked. Writer’s block, to be specific.
So I’m going to freewrite.
In the past hour, I’ve started writing on 5 separate drafts. In the past hour, I have stopped writing on 5 separate drafts.
I have a slowly growing urge to throw my laptop to the other end of the room. But I won’t, because this laptop is one of the only things keeping me sane lately. Also it won’t really help my writing block.
I miss the days when writing was so easy. When words would just slowly trickle down from my ear, down my arm, through my fingers, and onto the screen. When I had ideas about everything, and could write one thousand word long pieces about the beauty of life.
It used to be the case that whenever I had negative emotions my writing would be better. But that no longer seems to be the case. Maybe because I’ve been in the rut for so long it no longer is a temporary hole but rather a bottomless abyss.
I’ve been thinking about whether my writing will become a red flag for future girls I date. I can imagine how it would be — but at the same time, I’m so used to having my heart on my sleeve that I don’t know how to hide it anymore. My friends have told me that I should try to hide some things, and be a bit more mysterious. But there’s nothing really mysterious about me, other than why I seem to consistently be in a sad state despite having a life that I could be so happy about.
I don’t know the answer. I’ll call you when I find one.
I’ve been living from place to place over the past 4 months, and I think I’ve only started to understand what a toll it has taken on me. Don’t get me wrong, the past 4 months have been some of the happiest times of my life. But at the same time, it’s nice to have a place to settle down in, at least for a while.
No need to worry about where I’ll be living next, or where I need to go tomorrow night, or who else can I meet.
I’m slowly learning to be alone for the first time in my adult life. It hasn’t been easy — especially since I’m not one to reach out. I don’t know what scares me so much about reaching out. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection. Or maybe it’s the fear of being seen as overly familiar. Or maybe it’s a combination of both.
Most days it’s okay. I have work to distract me, and I occasionally get messages from my friends asking about random things that reminded them of me. But it’s weird to have my phone be silent for most nights and weekends.
People says it gets easier. And maybe it does. But for now, it’s far from easy. So maybe I’ll just have to see if it works out.
I’ve tried to pick up odd talents to distract myself. I’m getting decent at whistling loudly with my fingers in my mouth. I also learned how to roll a coin on my knuckles (which I imagine will be only useful if I ever find myself at a poker table).
Maybe I’ll start making a podcast again. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself — I can’t even finish a Medium article, let alone a 15 minute podcast.
But we’ll see. 2022 has only just begun. And after the rollercoaster that 2021 took me on, I can only expect 2022 will have a similar trajectory.
We’ll just wait and see. Fingers crossed it’ll be good.
See you in the next break.
