rules of engagement
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.” — Katharine Hepburn
Every game is defined by a clear set of rules.
In chess, white moves first. In football, whoever has the most goals wins. In Quidditch, the match ends when the Golden Snitch is caught.
The more games you play, the more rules you learn. Every new game comes with a new set of rules — some might be similar but no two are the same.
Checkers and chess are played on the same board, but a pro checker player will not necessarily be able to defeat Magnus Carlsen. Tennis and badminton both use a racket, but even Rafael Nadal would fall to the likes of Viktor Axelsen and Taufik Hidayat. To this day, I understand that billiard and pool are similar, but I have no idea what the differences are (I’m sure someone more knowledgeable will explain this to me — regardless I assume that playing billiard doesn’t mean you can play pool.
Most of the time, rules can change — but there are core rules that will never change.
Football has in modern times introduced VAR and offsides, but you still receive one goal every time the ball hits the net. Chess can now be played in a variety of rulesets such as blitz and classical, but in no game will you ever find the queen leaping over pawns during her move. Esports such as Valorant, DOTA, and CS2 introduce rule changes regularly to tweak the competitiveness of the games, but the objectives of each game remain the same.
Every game is defined by a clear set of rules, rules that are often outlined online in a clear form, a codified document that is honored and respected by all who play the game.
But human interactions aren’t so clear.
Whenever I meet someone new, I like to mentally lay out the field of what this interaction will lead to, a series of questions that look something like this:
- What does this person like? What makes this person laugh? Do they even laugh in the first place?
- Does this person like to talk? If yes, do they mainly talk about themselves?
- Do I see myself being friends with this person? More importantly, do I see this person wanting to be friends with me?
All of these questions then proceed to shape the initial interaction — they create a temporary set of ‘rules’ of how I can talk with this person. What kind of jokes can I try, what stories can I tell, and how many personal questions I can ask. Whether or not we’ll say “see you soon” or “nice to meet you” at the end of the conversation.
Then, the rules change.
With every subsequent meeting, I add new rules and remove old ones. Topics are added to the table that I previously thought were off limits, and conversely, topics that we used to freely talk about can become taboo. We start to open up about more personal topics, or we start understanding that our conversations will only ever be at a surface level.
Just like all the games I’ve played, I understand that no two interactions will ever have the same set of rules. Nothing is set in stone, and the rules will change with each interaction, as well as with the size of the group. Rules you have with someone during one-on-one interactions will likely not apply when you add someone else to the group. Close-knit friend groups will have their rules thrown in the bin when a new person is added — or when someone is removed.
I feel like most of adulting so far has been trying to keep track and figure out the rules of all of my friendships and relationships. I’m mentally trying to keep tabs on all the rulesets as well as all of the changes that I need to take into account.
What’s the policy of saying Happy Birthday to someone I used to have a crush on, then talked to intensely for months, but now don’t talk to anymore? What’s the rule for asking someone to hang out if we used to barely acknowledge each other, but then became friends with, and now talk to semi-regularly? Can I spam someone with Reels if we used to be close friends but now barely talk to each other but I know that they’d enjoy the watch?
I imagine it’s a lifelong process — a waltz across blurred lines, figuring out the rhythm for each dance partner. Now and then, a new partner enters the floor, and it’s a new choreography altogether.
Some changes happen in a matter of hours, some happen over years. My father doesn’t give me a dollar for every day I fast anymore. My younger siblings drive themselves to school now. The friends I used to play GTA with every day now have not touched the game in months.
But as much as most things will change, it’s also nice to know that the rules that matter the most will stay the same.
The relationship I have with my family may change on the surface, but will always be rooted in a deep sense of belonging and affection. The people I call my best friends may not keep in contact every day, but there’s an understanding that we have each other backs no matter where we are. Those I love may come and go, but the fact that I care about their well-being will stay the same.
Every game is defined by a clear set of rules.
Human relationships do not have a clear set of rules — maybe because relationships aren’t meant to be treated like a simple game.
