Reflections

The year flew by.

I’ve been in a writing rut for the past few months, so I apologize in advance if this doesn’t come out as eloquently as I’d like it to.

But here’s some reflections on the past 12 months.

I.

I began the year ambitiously, with a 5 by 5 grid of all of the resolutions I’d like to achieve. They ranged from physical (run 500km, do a pistol squat) to artsy (read 24 books, watch 50 movies) to social (join a club where I can meet new friends).

I’ve always been ambitious — a fact that surprises some people, who see me as more laidback and “chill guy” (someone play Hinoki Wood). But I’ve always enjoyed attempting to do more and trying to ‘win’, even though I end up losing and disappointing myself most of the time.

Looking back at my resolution bingo, I initially had the familiar feeling of falling short. Out of 25 resolutions, only 6 were successfully achieved. The rest were, at best, works in progress. At worst, total failures. Once again, my ambitions had outran my actual ability.

But, as I reflect more on the year, I realize that it’s unfair to say that I “failed” or “fell short”. There are so many things I did do that I didn’t even consider happening when I began the year.

I launched a writing event with my co-founder (who has now become a close friend), and ran 8 relatively successful events throughout the year. I joined an acting class and performed in front of an audience of strangers for the first time in a long time. I modeled for a large brand for the first time. I broke my personal best in every single kilometer from 1K to 42K. I went to five new countries, and I ran triple what I initially targeted.

In a way, I’m glad that I didn’t stick to all of the resolutions I had set for myself when the year began. I’m glad that I gave myself room to improvise and be spontaneous, to do things that I never considered doing before. If nothing else, this year was a year of firsts, and I’m glad that even in my quarter-life (an optimistic calculation that I’ll live to 100), I’m still doing things for the first time.

Six-pack abs and handstands will have to keep being a dream for next year. They’ve been on my resolution list for half a decade now, they can keep being a dream for (hopefully) one more year.

II.

I found a new hobby this year: sleeping. Which might be every mid-20s new favorite thing — I can imagine it being on multiple ‘In’ lists for 2025 -but I personally have a minor obsession with it.

I bought a Garmin watch to commit to more running, but the feature I use daily is not any of its running or exercise features. Every morning this year, the first thing I’d look at when I woke up is my Sleep Score — a handy feature from Garmin that gives you a score based on how well you slept the previous night. It measures the duration of your sleep, your heart rate variance (HRV), your heartbeat, and how much deep sleep vs light sleep vs REM you had throughout the night.

Having a quantifiable score for my sleep has made me invested in how to optimize my evenings and reach the maximum score. I started having a bedtime for the first time since I was a toddler. I protected my sleep time ferociously, making excuses to go home earlier or leaving people on read at 9 PM and replying to them at the crack of dawn. I even bought a claims-to-help-you-sleep-better pillow spray.

Yet, what I’ve realized throughout a year of tracking my sleep is that my nights with the best sleep haven’t come from when I did everything on the pre-bedtime routine checklist perfectly. In fact, they’re the nights when I least expected to be able to get a good sleep.

This observation has permeated other parts of my life. The projects I did my best on were the ones that I spent the least time worrying about. The best Sunday long runs were run after nights of terrible sleep. It seems that the less I overthink things (or the less I try to get everything right), the better the results are.

It’s easy to think of everything as black and white. If you sleep longer, you should have a better sleep score. If you run more often, you’ll be a better runner. If you spend every day in and out on something, it’s guaranteed to succeed.

Yet reality is not so monochromatic. I’ve found that what seems intuitive, what feels like should be true, is not always what we think it is. Being good and perfect all the time doesn’t mean you’ll always have good days and the best results.

If anything, for me at least, the key seems to be in finding the balance — somewhere between being healthy and going nuts, between fit and lazy, between wicked and good.

Sometimes sleeping less is worth it for an unforgettable experience. Sometimes taking a weekend off running will do more for your legs than running 20 kilos will. Sometimes letting go of the need to have everything figured out will answer more questions for you than trying to find answers ever did.

III.

Someone I love once told me that the root of all suffering comes from entitlement and attachment.

I’ve often felt entitled. I used to feel like I always deserved more — more accolades, more recognition, more attention, more praise. This year (or if we’re being honest, the past decade) has humbled me in more ways than one. And I’m grateful that it’s made me less entitled.

My psychologist used to tell me that I’m terrible at empathizing with people when they’re happy. I’d like to think that that’s no longer the case (or at least, not as bad as it used to be).

This year, I’ve been lucky to meet various new friends and so many of them who are talented in fields I aspire to do well in. Some amazing actors, published writers, and fast runners. A part of realizing how much you’ve changed is how you react to the same situations differently over the years.

Five years ago, I would’ve been filled to the brim with insecurity surrounded by people who are much more talented than I could ever hope to be.

Now, I’m happy to just be around them. To get to cheer them on at their book launch, or spam kudos on their Strava, or watch in awe as they perform on stage. I used to think that I deserved to get everything — but now I feel lucky to watch my friends get everything they deserve.

There was a time when I found it hard to let anything go. Where I would fret over not being invited to hang out or loathe the day I would be forced to leave a place. But as time passes, I’ve tried to be less attached to things and people.

I once asked my friends if they saw themselves as a train or a station — do they move from one person/group to another, or do people pass by their lives momentarily? My initial answer was that I was a train, moving from one friend group to the next. But I think that we’re all a mix of both, a moving station if you’d like. I’m more okay with letting go because I know that trains can’t stay in the station forever. But there’s always space on the track for them to come back.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some people and places that I cling on to like a baby’s first blanket. I firmly believe that if people are meant to be in your life, then you need to make an active effort to keep them there. Attachment is a given for those people.

For everything and everyone else, I’ll accept that I am transient in their lives, and them in mine. If our paths only cross for the briefest of moments, then I hope that we rub off on each other and leave marks that we’ll carry forever.

IV.

For most of my life, I sought external validation. I didn’t understand the difference between external and internal validation — wasn’t validation only worth anything when it came from someone who wasn’t you?

This year, I’ve begun to understand what a system of internal validation looks like. Instead of posting about something or seeking to show someone what I’ve done in order for them to determine whether it’s good or not, I just…..do things.

My system of internal validation works best when there is proof. I will think I’m a runner if I run consistently. I will consider myself a good friend if I am there when my friend needs me. I will call myself a writer when I am actually publishing writing (and not just thinking about it). If nothing else, a big reason for me to do things is to just prove to myself that I can do things — I can run a marathon, I can write a story, I can be kind, I can be patient.

Nowadays, I rarely wait for permission, or a green light, or somebody to say ‘I think it’d be good if you tried this.’ External validation feels good — someone who has your back, who supports you — but it’s not guaranteed because it will always be reliant on someone else.

The fun part of internally validating myself is that I’ll always be my biggest cheerleader. Whenever it gets hard, when it feels like there is no one cheering me on, I know at least one person will have my back:

Me.

V.

To close, some recommendations/top picks for the year

Music

• Listened to a lot of Chappel Roan this year — the best version of Casual is the one on VEVO.
• Other top artists this year were Clairo (listen to Thank You), Fred Again, and Matt Maltese (watched him live this year)
• Also listened to a lot of Boiler Rooms while running — favorites are Marlon Hoffstadt B2B Malugi and Rebecca Black (yes, the Friday girl)

TV Shows

• Favorite series this year, purely on a quality of meme level, has to be House of the Dragon Season 2
• Other top series this year were Shameless (took me the entire year to watch through all 11 seasons) and Industry (think this is even better than Succession)
• Currently watching Lost which is shaping up to be one of my all-time favorites

Movies

• Watched 30 movies this year, including Shrek 1 and 2 — just seemed important to mention that
• Favorite new releases of 2024 would be a tight race between Dune 2 and Challengers — obsessed with both
• I really got into musicals and pro-shot musicals this year — fell in love with Cabaret, Moulin Rouge, and Chicago (also rewatched Les Miserables and had a brief obsession with Wicked)
• Other highly recommended first watches from this year would be La Chimera, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and Sicario.

Books

• Didn’t read as many books as I wanted to this year sadly, but some books I enjoyed were This Is How You Lose The Time War and Project Hail Mary
• Non-fiction, I loved Born To Run — so much so that I bought barefoot sandals and shoes solely because of that book
• Outside of literature, I also took it upon myself to read through the entirety of One Piece from the 1st chapter to the most latest one within the span of 3 weeks

Articles

• My favorite article on Medium was this article about a screenwriter who moved back in with his parents
• Some other choice articles from Medium include an article about the word ‘Sayang’ and a piece on rejection and hope
• Non-Medium, I’ve enjoyed articles from Bookbear Express and Paul Graham’s blog a lot this year

A brief announcement:

• I’ve also felt a bit of fatigue from publishing on Journal Kita weekly — don’t get me wrong, I love it, but it also makes me want to try new things
• I’ll post this article on both Medium and Substack, but it will be the last post on Medium for the foreseeable future
• Going to try Substack — don’t know how it will go, but exciting nonetheless!

One of my best friends recently asked me what was the biggest disappointment of the last year.

After giving it some thought, I realized that there were none.

Sure, there were a lot of small sadnesses. Failures to achieve my goals, mistakes made, people I said goodbye to. But none of these derailed my life or had a significant negative impact on me — they were just another part of the story, things that needed to happen, like a bit of salt sprinkled on a sweet cookie.

Thankfully, I’m not bitter that I didn’t get everything I want. In fact, I’m relieved that things didn’t turn out the way I expected — in many ways, they turned out even better.

Every year, I say that next year will be my year. And although that’s not necessarily always true, I enjoy being naive enough to believe that it will be.

So here’s to another year of big happiness and small sadnesses. Of believing that things will always turn out for the better, even if they have to suck first. Of believing that there will always be new people to meet and open seats available for you at tables you didn’t know existed yet. Of coffee invitations that never materialize, and wedding invitations that get lost in the mail. Of finding new obsessions and falling in love, over and over again.

Thank you to everyone who was a part of the last year, whether we’re still friends or not, whether we played a major or minor role in each other’s lives. I’m glad we sat briefly in each other’s lives.

I hope we meet again next year, and catch up over stories of all the dreams that came true.

Thank you for the time. Happy New Year.