let the light in
“It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.”
It seems like everyone my age has experienced a depressive episode, which is defined as a brief (or not-so-brief) period in which life feels bleak and meaningless. You question your life and your job and capitalism and whether all of this or any of it is worth living for.
At least, that’s what it’s been like for me.
It’s also a time when you feel incredibly self-conscious about all the core tenets of your identity. Every step feels more like a misstep, and you seem to get everything wrong. You start thinking terrible things about yourself, and you also believe that all of those thoughts are true.
In this particular depressive episode, a sentence has been ringing in my head for the last few weeks.
“Let the light in.”
When I think about ‘let the light in’, I interpret that sentence in three different ways.
1. Opening the curtains and letting physical light into a dark room
Self-explanatory.
2. Feeling terrible, and trying to see things more positively
In this interpretation of the sentence, I think about rain clouds filling the sky. Dark, heavy clouds that are a harbinger of my mental state — clouding my judgement and any sort of silver lining.
But then, you let a little light in. Some rays of light filter through the clouds, a sign of better days to come, of clear skies coming down the road. Maybe it won’t be all better now, maybe the dark clouds will fester for a little while longer, but once the light is let in, you start believing it’ll get better at one point.
3. Shining a light into the dark corners
We all have skeletons in our closets, we all have baggage that we’d like to tuck away in a corner. It’s easy to hide our worst parts away from the public eye, especially now when we get to craft our ideal image through witty tweets and beautiful pictures of the cities we’ve passed through.
But maybe it’s good to let the light in — to go into those dark corners and bring our baggage, our fears, and our sadness into the light for others to see.
This post is a self-reflection.
And since I’m self-reflecting, I recently have started to ask myself “Am I the A**hole in other people’s lives?”
Several things have led me to this question, ranging from actions from people who are (or used to be) a part of my life, feedback from anonymous strangers on the internet, as well as endless overthinking about depressive thoughts that do not paint me in a particularly flattering light.
When I look back at the last few years, I’m not sure if I’ve been the best person. There are friends I could’ve treated better, moments where I could’ve been less of a douchebag, words I said that I’m now ashamed of.
If the question is whether or not I’ve been the capital A-hole in other people’s lives, I’m sure the answer is yes. As much as I try to be kind, I’m sure that some parts of who I am are not so kind (or even cruel).
But I’d like to try to let the light in.
Maybe the best way to be a better person is to not hide away the parts that aren’t so great. I need to learn to accept that I’m not always going to be the nicest person, that there are times when I’ll be a douchebag or a dickhead, and I need to confront those parts of me, not shove them into a dark corner no one can see.
Maybe the only way to connect with people is to be vulnerable and come as we are — including all of the good parts and the ugly parts. Maybe when we say “Hey, here’s all of my flaws and shortcomings, let me know if any of them are disturbing you.”, people feel more comfortable with saying “Hey, here are my flaws too.”
I think I’m rambling.
But what I’m trying to say is that everyone is full of contradictions — no one’s perfect, no one is always kind or evil, we all have a bit of both. The more you’re willing to accept your flaws, the easier it’ll be to accept other people’s flaws too. Once you get off your high horse and realize you’re just as douchey as everyone else, you start thinking about how you can be less of a douchebag.
When you let the light shine on your flaws, some people will leave, but some people will look at the parts you’ve hidden away and decide to stay.
So I’ll try to let the light in more. I’ll show my flaws so that I am reminded to always try to fix them and be better.
I’ll try to let the light in through the mental rain clouds and understand that all of the terrible things I say about myself aren’t (always) true.
Down the road, maybe I’ll learn to be the light in someone else’s life as well, and let them learn to be comfortable with showing their flaws.
But for now, I’ll learn to let the light in, and make the darkness a bit more bearable.
