i’m thinking of starting things.
I think it’s time for a nice change of pace.
A majority of my writings have been about crushed dreams. They’ve been about failures: how to deal with failures, why failing is okay, bla bla failure bla bla.
But enough about past failures.
Right now, I want to talk about failures that haven’t happened yet. To be specific, I want to talk about dreams that haven’t been crushed yet. I want to talk about things that still have the potential to succeed. I want to talk about the things I want to work on.
I want to talk about the things I want to start.
write one book.
I want to write a book. I don’t know what kind of book if we’re being completely honest. As long as it’s a legit, 300 page, paperback, freshly printed book, that would be great.
But ideally, I’d like to write a novel. I have so many story ideas in my head, that I’ve even made a list of all the stories I want to write. Some are stolen from the world around me, some have arisen from the chaos in my mind.
For me, writing a book isn’t really a matter of gaining fame — I do not expect that I’ll be the next Rick Riordan or Ta Nehisi-Coates or Dee Lestari. I can’t even imagine writing anything close to their level.
I want to write a book for two very selfish reasons and one not-so-selfish reason. The selfish reasons: firstly, to prove that I can do it, and secondly, to have something that will exist in the world even when I no longer exist.
The not so selfish reason: I hope that my writing can positively impact someone. Just like how so many people’s pieces have helped me in some way in getting through life, I hope that my words can help someone get through rough times.
Unfortunately, none of these ideas have come to fruition. Writing Medium posts are infinitesimally easier than writing a fictitious short story.
But at least I know what I’m aiming for.
make one movie.
I’ve spent a major part of the past three years watching and writing about movies. I’ve told a lot of people that I want to make movies.
And so, I’ve written multiple scripts and even submitted some of them to major studios (if it isn’t obvious, nothing happened). I’ve made two shorts — neither of which were anything truly special.
But, even though I haven’t had any success in filmmaking, I still really want to make movies. Specifically, a feature-length, more than one hour, film.
I know it’s a pipe dream. I know that making movies is incredibly hard. I know that there is an enormous gap between saying you want to make a movie and actually doing it.
But I still want to make one.
It doesn’t have to be big. It doesn’t have to be flashy. It doesn’t have to win an award or have amazing actors or be critically praised.
I want to make a small scale movie, a simple story that’s not far off from real life, and work with a crew that is also just starting out. People who don’t know what they’re doing but are willing to try everything — just like me.
Maybe it won’t turn out amazing. But if the experience is a lot of fun and the end result is a movie that we all can be proud of — I’ll already be very happy.
write more poetry
It’s kind of crazy that, before 2018, I barely thought about poetry, let alone think that I would ever be capable of writing it. Thankfully, I went to UWRF 2018’s Open Mics, and my life was changed forever.
Writing poetry is weird. When I look at other people’s poems, I can’t stop thinking about how amazing other people’s words melt together so naturally, like a perfectly mixed potion that knows just how to hit your heart. I admire how people dare to write and publish theirs consistently — but if I was writing as well as they were, I guess I’d have their confidence too.
But when I look at mine, I see a smattering of imperfections. A missed comma here, an awkward word there. And even when I step back, sometimes my poetry feels idiotic at its best, and nonsense at its worst.
Yet, I can’t let that stop me. I don’t aim to write a whole book of poetry — I’m no Neruda or Rumi — but I do hope that one day I can fill a zine with my poems. Maybe collect everything I’ve written so far. Or maybe write entirely new poems, based on movies. Anything is possible. Right now, I just have to focus on making one.
talk with more people
During this pandemic, I realized how much I love talking to people. I love sharing stories with people and hearing their stories, discussing big questions of the universe and small issues of how our day went, talking about the world at large and our own individual worlds.
Thankfully I’ve still been able to call and chat and meet my friends, even during times like these. But I want to talk to even more people and find a way to share those conversations with others.
This is obviously leading to a podcast format, and I would love to make a podcast that isn’t just me riffing off my own whimsical thoughts. But it doesn’t have to be limited to a podcast. Maybe a Youtube channel. Maybe regular Instagram Lives (I know everyone hates those, but they’re not as bad as you think). Anything that can get me to talk with other people, I would love to do more.
Twitter has actually been a great medium to reach out to new people and to have so many interesting conversations, no matter how short they are. But there has to be more ways than just Twitter.
I truly believe that everyone is interesting. You just have to ask the right questions. And so I want to talk to everyone, and find out as much as I can about them. Hopefully someone will want to listen.
live life better
The last thing I want to work on isn’t really something with an end goal. But I want to live my life better.
What does ‘better’ mean, you may ask?
It means appreciating the people around me more.
It means taking moments in as they happen, not before or after the fact.
It means being kinder to myself, and cheering myself on, even when no one else might be doing the same.
It means letting go of past baggage, and not letting uncertain futures worry me too much.
It means not sweating the small stuff.
It means believing in myself; that I can achieve what I’ve aimed for, even though it might take years and so many wrong turns before I get there.
And so, I’m starting now.
I don’t know when I’ll write a book. Or make a movie. Or be consistent with my podcasts. Or make a poetry zine. Or stop being so insecure.
But I have to believe that one day I’ll get there.
One step at a time, I’ll get there.
