How’s It Going To End?

“The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward.”

Recently I’ve been thinking about how it’s going to end.

But not just the ending — sometimes I think about everything that’s going to happen in the next month, the next year, five years from now, ten years from now, what happens when I get married, what happens when I have kids, what happens when I retire, and what will happen when it ends.

Most of the time I draw a blank. Most times, I have no idea where I’ll be next month, let alone the next year or the next five years.

It’s exciting to tell your friends that you have no idea where life will take you. It’s not so exciting to have to live through it.

Sometimes I wish things were a bit more stable. Sometimes I hope that it was a bit more certain. That I could compress everything I have to live through into the span of a day, and never have to worry or be surprised by anything that happens in the future.

If you’re anything like me, you’re surrounded by people you admire.

An acceptance letter. A new promotion. A wedding. Milestones are shared every day now, something to be expected rather than to be surprised about. I’m very much of the opinion that people should share their happiness, and I’m genuinely happy to see my friends and acquaintances achieve new great things in their life.

But I can’t help to look inward and wonder where my life is going.

When everyone around you seems to have a plan, their entire life set out in front of them, it’s a bit disorienting to think of your own life in the next five years and see nothing but fog. While everyone around you is getting their life together, it seems like your life is a bit of a shot in the dark — close your eyes, point to a target, and see where it hits. It seems like your friends' lives have ‘purpose’ and ‘meaning’.

If I have no idea what I’m doing, if I’m just stumbling around the road of life, does my life also still have ‘meaning’?

I had a conversation with a friend about the meaning of life as we queued for overpriced iced tea.

They didn’t necessarily believe that life had any meaning. I mentioned one of my favorite Mr. Peanutbutter quotes from Bojack Horseman:

“The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t a search for meaning. It’s to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead.”

And in a way, I relate to that quote. Sometimes it feels like that I’m keeping myself busy with unimportant, trivial things — distracting myself instead of trying to make a concrete plan about my future.

Most people will say that’s okay. That’s the point of being young — to be free, to do whatever you want while you still can.

But where will it all lead? Where will it go? Does it have any meaning or purpose or any semblance of direction?

Life’s meaning is such a broad and vague concept — which is perfect for conversations while you wait for tea.

Most people’s lives are not embedded with meaning or purpose. Some people are lucky enough to know what they’re going to do, what they’re going to be, and who they’re going to become from the moment they’re born — whether it be through destiny or parental guidance.

But for most of us, we don’t get a predetermined path set for us.

So we get to decide what meaning our lives have. Some people find that meaning in large, overarching goals that determine every step of what they do every day. They decide for themselves what they want their goal to be, and do everything to be able to achieve that goal before they enter the grave.

But for some people, who don’t have any idea where their life is going, meaning needs to be pulled from different sources.

As we inched towards the front of the queue, we came to an agreement — we agreed that meaning can also come from the small moments that happen in day-to-day life. Small achievements that mean nothing to the world at large, but mean the world to you.

Finishing work early. Getting a good grade. Solving a Rubik’s Cube. Pushing through a workout. Watering your plants. Successfully climbing a mountain. Seeing the sun rise. Laying in bed listening to a good song. A silent moment in an airport.

Who’s to say what’s meaningful and what’s not in one’s life? Even if you’re not saving the world, it doesn’t mean your life is devoid of meaning.

So back to the original question: how does it all end?

Do I get a good ending? Do I get a bad ending? If nothing is planned, will it all work out by the end?

As much as I want, I can’t figure out what happens in the next month, the next year, or the next five years. I won’t know what will happen until it happens.

And that doesn’t have to be as bad as I might think it is.

I don’t have it all figured out. And maybe my life is relatively less certain compared to the people around me. But there’s still time to figure things out.

Sure, uncertainty sucks sometimes, but there’s something exciting about waking up every day and not knowing what’s going to happen. Maybe the day will be bad, maybe the day will be good. Maybe I find meaning in positive experiences, maybe I find meaning in horrible experiences.

Maybe there is no good ending or bad ending. There’s just the morning after.

And the only way I figure out how it all ends is if I keep waking up and seeing what the day holds for me.

Finding meaning in the small moments.

In the end, maybe that’s what will matter.