enjoying it
How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.
My favorite movie of all time is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I watched it for the first time on a train to a city I can’t remember, and I’ve watched it multiple times since.
It’s a story about a man whose ex decides to erase all memories of him, and his decision to do the same. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet deliver what I (and many) would call the best performances of their career, if not in the history of cinema. Mark Ruffalo and Kirsten Dunst are in it. It’s beautifully written, very fun, and shot well (on celluloid)!
If you haven’t watched it, I would highly recommend doing so.
Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of the film’s release, and I’d like to celebrate it by looking into my own memories and seeing what I should remember — and what I should forget.
I remember a lot of useless things.
I remember that Pluto stopped being a planet in 2006, and I remember learning that ants don’t have blood. I remember what movie won the 2018 Oscar for Best Picture (The Shape of Water) and I remember what number Farquaad’s guard wanted him to pick in Shrek (“Pick number three milord!”).
I am a treasure trove for useless pop culture knowledge and random trivia facts.
But I am not only a keeper of useless things. I am also a hoarder of memories.
Happy memories, like remembering the first time someone taught me to tie my shoes when I was 4 years old. I remember both of my grandmas teaching me how to ride a bike. I remember waving goodbye to my mother from the school bus. I remember sitting on a bench with my best friend when we were 7, eating Ritz crackers and watching cars pass. I remember making friends with another kid at Niagara Falls when I was 6, and later receiving an email from their family who had moved to China.
I remember reenacting scenes from High School Musical with my sister in our living room. I remember playing Club Penguin and Poptropica alone for hours, and then playing GTA V and Valorant for hours with friends when I grew up. I remember finishing my first 10K. I remember spending countless nights in Boyolali talking until the morning with friends who I haven’t spoken to since.
I also remember sad memories.
I remember the name of my second-grade best friend who I’ve not heard from since 2007. I remember what was the last meal I ate after a breakup. I remember the smallest details from my friend’s stories (like the name of their second-grade best friends) I remember the exact date of when some of my friendships began, and consequently I also remember the exact date of when some friendships ended.
I remember where I was when my best friend passed away, and where I was when my grandma and grandpa passed away. I remember watching my whole family cry, my sister leaning on my mother leaning on my father, when we got the news that my grandpa passed away and we were too far to make it to the funeral. I remember the unnecessary fights I had with my mother, that I could’ve stopped by just learning to be a bit kinder.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind asks a simple question: would you erase someone — and all the memories of them — from your life?
There are some people who maybe I should consider erasing from my life. People who have brought me grief or worse — people who mean nothing to me at all. I’m sure that given the opportunity, many would consider erasing me from their life (or perhaps even agree to it before the question was finished).
But in the end, I think I’d never want to erase anyone.
It’s a bit like the conclusion of Inside Out — you can’t get happy memories without the sad memories.
Likewise, I think everyone I’ve ever met — the good, the bad, the not ugly — are interlinked in a way that you can’t have one group without the other.
I can’t erase one part without ruining the whole picture.
It is both a blessing and a curse to remember people, places, and faces long after they’ve forgotten about you.
But I’ll keep everything, all the memories I still have, every bit and piece, stares and stories, laughs and longings, yells and yearnings. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beauty, the sight, the sound, the tears, the fears.
I’m grateful for the friends that are still here, but I’m also grateful for the friends that aren’t. I’m grateful for the people I love and the people I’ve loved. I’m grateful for the person I was and the person I’ll become.
I don’t know what to do with all of the memories I’ve made with people who have no memory of me, and all the memories I’m going to make that I’ll consider forgetting one day.
Maybe I’ll remember everything useless, and forget everything that’s important.
Maybe that’s something that’s not within my control.
Maybe I don’t have to worry about it so much.
Maybe there’s nothing left to do but to just enjoy it.
