changes
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
It’s been a while since I wrote something.
Partly because I’ve been a bit more busy, but also partly because I thought there was nothing significant from my life to write about. I felt like all the thoughts I had were small thoughts, all the changes I went through were minor, and the wins were not much more than losses. For the past few months, I’ve felt my life has become increasingly balanced — the sadness feels a bit deeper than usual, and the happy moments are just a tad sweeter. But whatever happened to me felt insignificant.
Whenever someone asked me “What’s new in your life?”, I’d always blank. The answer would either be an enthusiastic “nothing” or a half-hearted mention of my trip that happened months ago. The small day-to-day changes didn’t feel like something important to bring up in conversation, let alone celebrate.
But looking back, a lot of things happened in the last year, and even the last few months. I ran more, ate better, read more, played more games, fell in and out of love, started multiple projects, did my first big solo trip, hosted a massive event, wrote a ton, and spent a lot of time with family and friends.
The small things add up.
In retrospect, I realize I put too much emphasis on ‘big’ changes. There seems to be some innate belief that if I’m not the best at something, or if something isn’t a monumental achievement, it’s not worth doing and it’s not worth talking about.
It also makes me overthink every external change as something big. Changes from other people seem so much more meaningful than any change happening to me. A cold shoulder or a warmer embrace than usual will linger on my mind much longer than any change of behavior I had toward other people.
This year, I’d like to change that belief. I want to be able to celebrate small wins, and share the small wins, without comparing myself to other people or putting other people down. I want to be able to acknowledge all the changes, big and small, that are happening to me. My frontal lobe is supposed to develop this year, so I expect a lot of changes to happen.
I also want to accept external changes, the changes that are out of my control. Changes in my friendships and relationships, changes in my city, changes in the world. I want to reach a point of acceptance for whatever comes my way, to find a way to fit all of the change that’s happening into all the changes that are happening to me, like water fitting into every vessel it’s poured into.
A few years ago, my psychologist told me something that has always stuck with me.
“You have great empathy for people for when they’re sad, but you’re terrible at having empathy for people when they’re happy.”
It stuck because it stung. It stung because it was true.
I’ll change throughout the year, but so will the people around me, the people I love.
If there’s one thing I want to achieve this year amongst all of the goals I have, it’s to have more empathy for myself and the people around me. To celebrate and love every version of them, and to be there with them when they lift trophies and when they cry at the foot of the bed.
After all, to be loved is to be changed.
So here’s to a year of change, and a lifetime of change, and celebrating all the change that has happened and that is to come.
